The disappointment of my second fight – and no, I didn’t lose it

These clinches were tougher than I expected

Before I go into this, I want to mention that I often made the error as a journalist when I found the intricate details of something fascinating of assuming the reader wouldn’t feel the same. I usually skimmed over that part. While training for my second fight, I discovered that one of my faults is my tendency to rush or panic when trying to get things done. How you do one thing is generally how you do everything. I really had to learn to stop and think this time around. With that in mind, I am going to go into the details which were important to me about this fight and have faith that someone else might recognise something pertinent in them too. As a reader, I often like these details.

After the first bout, I felt so strongly that I had laid a ghost to rest. Rightly or wrongly, my success in that fight had come to symbolise a victory over my abusive ex, and proof to the world I wasn’t some kind of victim. It delivered. I won, I felt strong, people said I was an aggressive and intimidating fighter. Right from the beginning of training for the second one, I was nervous about who my next opponent would be. No one had any expectations of me for the first fight, and my opponent and I were two beginners. Not so this time around. Any time I trained with anyone who had fought before, I became filled with anxiety that we would be matched for the fight and that I would struggle to get another victory. I think it must be this way at all levels in boxing or any other combat sport: you are torn between the fear of losing and the natural desire to challenge yourself.

I probably trained a lot more, having a baseline of fitness and skill which was higher than it was when I first started training to fight. This Girl Can Box ran a four-hour workshop, in which I learned the joy of the screw jab, for example, and during sparring sessions I would get feedback for the first time on what I was doing wrong and what I could do to fix it. Private classes were especially useful, and I often felt I had been given the key to what had seemed like an unsolvable puzzle. During the first fight, I hadn’t been able to escape when my opponent stood in front of me, hitting me with the left and then the right. Straight punches which I stood there and took. Now, I could duck and roll, move to the side, move my head or move in towards her. The possibilities were multiplying, and it felt freeing and exhilarating.

As fight night drew closer, I was increasingly anxious. The way it works in white collar matches is that you don’t find out until very close to the fight who you’ll fight (a week before, in this case). Completely different to professional fights where the entire prep is based around who you will be fighting. The fighters are not professionals and it is imperative that they do not get badly hurt due to a mismatch, or have a bad experience. It is impossible to control entirely since getting in the ring is tough and some will hate it, but promoters and coaches try to be as fair as possible and tend to spend a lot of time over the decision.

I was especially scared of two of the women in my group. Our main coach noted that there was an “edge” to this group, partly because one of these women did not modify her power at all during sparring, so that total beginners got flattened, and became angry or upset. This collided with other tensions and created a moody atmosphere. In the end, the two I had feared fought each other. I was matched with a woman I had sparred with once before, who was slightly heavier and stronger but shorter, and had an aggressive style, moving very close and throwing a volley of punches, so that it became overwhelming.

My defence had been offence before, and now I was faced with someone I couldn’t just stand opposite and fight. I had to get out of the way.

The big night arrives

On the night, we were operating about an hour late as usual, during which time I had swallowed so much Red Bull and was brimming with nerves. I was going to the toilet so often, I was going back in as soon as I had gone out. Because the first fight had been like being in a tunnel and I had had no awareness of the crowd, I took it for granted that I would feel the same this time, but it wasn’t like that at all. The wait to go on was the wrong side of unbearable. I came on after my opponent, and as I stood in my corner, I felt the fragility of being up there. I could see people, the light on their faces in the dark, I could see my Dad, and my body felt so light I wondered if I would be able to move it or if it would collapse when the time came.

When the bell rang, my corner shouted at me a lot that I had to move around and move out of the way. It didn’t feel natural to me. I tend to face conflict head on, not seeing any other way to do it. I thought I would be able to beat my opponent if we got into a clinch as I am taller, but she was so strong we cancelled each other out every time we got that close. The only thing for it was to wriggle free, throw a combo of punches and move again, in the hope that she would get tired before I did.

As the rounds progressed, I started feeling more confident about doing this, with the result that I landed more than I took. I was able to free myself from her clutches and move back to the centre of the ring, controlling the fight from a defensive position. I can’t even recall now if I knew all along what the result would be, but at the end of the third round, I was declared the winner.

The end of ego

Fighting from a position of control meant that I never tapped into my rage. I used force and aggression to some extent, though far less than before. In some ways, the more you learn in boxing the more ego has to be set aside and you have to submit to the importance of technique, tedious repetition, meticulous observation of your opponent. A surrender to something bigger. The win was a relief, but it didn’t lead to any high. I was left with the feeling that I wanted some kind of recognition I could never achieve. Mine was just another fight on a night of amateur fights of varying quality, over in a flash and praised by some but not necessarily even the most entertaining.

The next day this calm gave way to a feeling of emptiness. I only knew how to solve it by signing up for another one, which I am beginning the process of training for now. I understood why heroin addicts say they are always chasing that first high. Along with chasing the feeling I had in my first fight was the awareness of it all as a spectacle, and even though I had won I felt chewed up and spat out. Was this because there is still – and always will be – such a huge gap between the elite sportswomen and my fights? It can’t only be that, as I recently read both swimmer Tom Daley and former judo fighter turned MMA champ Ronda Rousey said they felt bleak after winning Olympic medals. I think it is part of the paradox that you can only hope to win by giving the training and the fight your all, but when you do that, there is no way the payoff can be big enough. My ghosts long dead and laid to rest, I was out there in the world again, still exposed to its indifference to my existence. The only thing you can do then is carry on fighting.

My first fight – Part Two

I won that fight in the end. I was running on empty in the last round, but something in me kept going, and I think I held it together for long enough to be seen as the dominant boxer by unanimous decision. I had fantasised so many times about that moment when the compere would announce me as the winner, but it still felt better than I could have imagined. I attempted to climb the ropes, fell off one of them and ended up doing something which looked a lot like dry humping the ropes. I didn’t care.

After the storm: Sharing a hug with my opponent


The photo is of my opponent and I hugging afterwards (complete with surprised looks from both of our corners after such a brutal fight). The strange thing is that right after pummelling each other’s brains out, the first thing you feel for your opponent, if they are any good, is respect and affection. It is so rare to have an opportunity to show what you are made of in life. I have found it even rarer that another woman has given me this chance. Magical things happen when women let each other be angry, competitive, and even aggressive. I feel gratitude and loyalty towards anyone who allows me to show this side of myself, a side which goes on repressed in so many women, seeping out in bitchiness or passive aggression. Give me a straight up fight with fair rules any day over those silent wars. Competition is an element of life, and we should be allowed to test our mettle openly. If not, it will lurk there in the shadows anyway, looking to pounce.

My opponent had a fighting heart and had been through the same thing as I had, and that made us close. Last weekend, by coincidence we were both in the gym together for a class of boxing drills. My training schedule for Thursday’s fight has been manic, and I was exhausted. I have a tendency to put my head down and crumple when tired. “Look at me,” she said. Big eyes again, this time looking just as attentive but not because she was trying to kill me. “Don’t look down.”

What I wouldn’t give for a world where women could say that to each other every time things got tough.

My first fight: part one

Fighting for survival: My first boxing match with the tough Augusta Carman

In five days, I am going to fight again, so I am going through all the emotions I did four months ago when I had my first one. It is difficult to describe how all-consuming it is preparing for a fight. I felt myself becoming tense and irritable as the days approached. Early on in my training, I had met up with a jiu-jitsu champion, who told me to think from the beginning that I had already won the fight. That type of arrogance is anathema in real life, but I started to see the sense in it. I put away the doubts and committed to wanting to win. It seems to me that what is really anathema here, especially in the UK, is sincerity. Admitting that you really want to win, even at the white collar level of fighting as a hobby, could expose you to ridicule. People want to make a joke of it and pretend they don’t care just to save face if they lose. I couldn’t entertain the idea of losing.

I am going to write more about why I fight. Everyone has a reason and it’s always interesting. I met an Olympic boxer who said he never felt anger, but I do. When I fight, I feel a pilot light of rage ignite, and I stoke it secretly, almost afraid to unleash the full flame. When it is burning in full I feel a great freedom, the kind I never feel in real life. That’s something I don’t always want to admit but another writer told me to write this blog as if I was dead if I wanted it to be good, so I am doing exactly that. Specifically, I had the recent memory of an abusive ex who told me my fighting wasn’t serious. It was so serious for me on that day. I had to defeat this particular ghost. My opponent was nothing to do with it.

The night before my fight, my flatmate told me his dad was going to stay one more night with us. I decided unexpectedly that I needed to be alone. I checked into a BNB which was listed online as being very quiet. It is true what they say that what doesn’t kill you leaves you with weird ticks and coping mechanisms, it doesn’t leave you untouched. Whether or not it makes you stronger is an idea I will return to. My trigger is noise, and as I was already feeling tense, the sounds of jabbering voices, the whining sound of Ed Sheeran on someone’s radio and pootling motorbikes at all hours were unlikely to increase my calm. I needed a soundproofed room.

In the morning, I had slept a good 6-7 hours, but I had been tense all night. I considered it a win that the clock said 7am. The hotel was in Hammersmith, and I had breakfast – a full English, which unfortunately included tinned mushrooms – with the sounds of Eastern European voices around me. The rest of the day passed in a bit of a haze. I know I listened to Azelia Banks’ 212, her voice shrieking “I’m a ruin you, cunt”, before I thought I should conserve that fire for later.

At the venue, my opponent increased my ire by turning up in my dressing room. We were friends, and initially I was questioning if I would be able to fight someone I liked, but this tipped it over the edge. The guy who was supposed to wrap our hands was nowhere to be found, and she was panicking. I left the room to use the toilet in the rival dressing room, no doubt further freaking out the people in that room who were no keener on invaders than I was.

Waiting is terrible. As with all awful things in life, you tend to forget them later and gloss over the horror, but I can still remember how bad that was. The only good bit is you have an excuse to eat flapjacks and drink Red Bull. God knows I had no reason to drink Red Bull before I started boxing, but now I do it all the time.

Someone came to warm us up, and I realised my body was stiff with tension. I wasn’t moving my hips the way I should, and I couldn’t follow instructions easily. Bam! I hit the straight right, I hit the jab. I concentrated on the movement and applied more force. The trainer said I had impressive power, or I might have imagined that part.

Somehow it was time already. I was at the side of the stage, trying to move to prevent the stiffness taking over. “Move your head!” my corner was saying to me. The intensity of that moment is something I can never forget. I find it hard to trust people, hard to get close to them, and yet at that moment I would have done anything I was told. The usual distance between people is gone. So rarely can you open a door and step behind the social niceties to something so raw.

We walked on. I had DMX, X Gon Give it to Ya, a tune which starts with the sound of barking dogs. I knew my family and friends were there but I couldn’t see them. I just walked, like a robot, my corner throwing up an X with his arms which encouraged me. I was first in the ring and walked around it as I waited for my opponent.

I barely remember the moment when we started exchanging punches. I saw her face, her huge eyes, the look of concentration. Again, there was no room for guile, for any kind of mask. You look into each other’s soul is what I want to say. I am afraid to be that sincere because I am afraid of ridicule yet again, but that is how it feels. I remember being told to throw punches if nothing is happening, to throw them even if you don’t have the energy, and I remember that I wanted to make everyone pay that had ever underestimated me – in this, and in anything else ever. I was quickly dominating the fight. My skill and technique were lacking, but I just kept throwing and dominated it that way. At one point, I saw that she was on the ropes, but I couldn’t remember how we got there. I couldn’t hear the crowd at all, only white noise.

The bell rang for the first round, and I was exhausted. As my only defence was attack, I didn’t have anything left in the tank. My corner gave me water and told me again to move my head, something which I knew but it just didn’t make sense to me.

I went out again, and chased her around the ring, despite my diminishing energy. She never gave up and landed punches back. I was slowing down, but I carried on throwing them. Her eyes, concentrated and intent, stared back at me. At some point, I heard the noise around us. We sat down again. This time, my corner said to me, “just keep doing what you are doing.” Did I dare to hope I had won this? There was just one problem: my crude approach had exhausted me, as I had no skills to allow me to dodge the punches or buy a few seconds of time when I needed them. The only way I had of shutting her down was by attacking, but I was tiring fast. I was 41 and she was 26. I felt like I didn’t have another round in me.

Back out there, I remember very little of the third round. Through the exhaustion, I still extended my arms, but there was a moment I knew I was just standing there, guard down, while she hit me in the face. I heard her corner for the first time. “She’s finished!” he yelled. Was I, or could I come back and finish the job? It meant so much to me to win, but I couldn’t even get my breath.